Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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