i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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