Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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