The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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