My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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