You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
