I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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