Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
