This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I deserve this hangover.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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