So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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