I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize