I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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