First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Text me some of your sweat
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
