i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
