At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
