we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
