I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The struggles of a small town man whore
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
