Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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