im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
