Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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