i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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