Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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