why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
