i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
