Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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