i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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