You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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