i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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