Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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