id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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