His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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