good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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