Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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