If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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