Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
