I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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