took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
