I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
