Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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