Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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