fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
