Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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