I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
