people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
