I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
