Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
