it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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