Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Let's get the cat blown out
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
