If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
