The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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