Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
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I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
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who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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