why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
