We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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