"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
