He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
