I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
They took my balls.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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