i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
