it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Semen is not good for contacts.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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