So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
