I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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