thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
